Stand By Your Van: spellbinding chronicles of midwestern suburbia

• Regional slang spreads in dormitories faster than - uh... chickenpox. A number of my floormates have taken to saying "hella," which apparently hails from Seattle; from my roommate's hometown in Texas we get "epic fail," which is used to describe situations in which one party fails miserably - and often embarrassingly - at completing an everyday task (i.e., walking without tripping over a tree root). I've recently learned that it's far more effective when accompanied by the ASL sign for "death. " Also we've picked up "worst birthday ever," which works kind of like "bummer" - I think it started out when it actually was someone's birthday and then its usefulness extended to situations like running out of ramen noodles and having the washing machine eat your quarters.
• Engineering students always know how to cheat the system. The quarters I just mentioned? Those are actually pennies. Some brilliant young mind discovered a few weeks ago that instead of paying the full dollar for a load of laundry, you can put four pennies in the coin return slot, press the coin return button, flick the pennies one at a time at just the right upward angle, and watch each penny register as a quarter.
• Blatant generalities about Jews being funnier than Gentiles are, for the most part, true. There's a Jewish guy on the second floor of my dorm whose floormates call him only by the surname Goldstein. What's Goldstein's real name? Ben Shorovsky.
• The higher your IQ is, the more movies you've seen. Today in my political science lecture, the prof was making a point by having us identify photographs of celebrities and then attempt to identify photographs of political leaders. He gave us Peyton and Eli Manning, then Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid; and when he got to the picture of Queen Elizabeth, Northwestern's version of a class clown yelled from the back of the auditorium, "Helen Mirren!" and the class erupted in laughter. (Look it up on Wikipedia.)
• The higher your IQ is, the more likely you are to play the violin. Out of roughly eighty-five residents in my dorm, we've identifed that at least seven residents on the first two floors alone are violinists.
• Vegetarianism is contagious. Did I intend to quit eating meat when I got to college? No. But my roommate informs me that the first few days she knew me, she was under the impression that I was a vegan. I think this is on account of the stock of bell peppers and soy yogurt from the nearby Whole Foods co-op that I stuffed into our fridge on day one. Also, thanks to the delicious and healthy cuisine served in the meatless sections of the dining halls, I can't remember the last time I ate meat. Furthermore, the number of times I've been offered tofu far outnumber the times I've been offered other equally controversial substances - and I have yet to refuse the tofu.
   

Me: "Well... I did kind of get lost. I guess I went too far on the 169 South because I didn't realize there was no exit directly to 35. But it didn't faze me or anything. I kept my cool and just got out at a gas station, asked directions, and turned around and went the other direction for like fifteen miles. But, like I said, didn't faze me. Rose above it, handled it like an adult."
Jon: "Which car were you driving?"
Me: "My mom's."
Jon: "Doesn't your mom's car have a GPS?"

--

And... the Olympics. Everybody knows how much I love to write about sports that don't matter, so here it is:

WOMEN'S GYMNASTICS: Bela Karolyi apparently smells a rat. Or underage girls. He publicly decried the Chinese women's gymnastic team for competing girls who strike him as questionable candidates for being even 13; the legal age for a competitor is 16. It appears he has accused China of sending "half-people" to the Olympic stadium - well, Bela, they are Chinese. And gymnasts. But I wouldn't bet against Bela - if those 68-pound golden girls shock the world by not being old enough to see the new Batman flick, nobody says I didn't call it.

MEN'S SWIMMING: I really like the fact that I can plan my social life around how dominant the USA is. Every day goes something like, wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch Michael Phelps win a gold medal, sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

MEN'S BEACH VOLLEYBALL: Phil Dalhausser is probably the most huggable athlete in all of Team USA. All 6'9" of him. He's just a big ol' sweetie.

WOMEN'S SWIMMING: Though France's Laure Manaudou failed wildly in defending her 2004 swimming gold, she surely deserves a medal in putting up with whatever life dishes out. According to an NBC report, after Manaudou rocketed to superstardom in France after her Athens win, her media-magnetic relationship with Luca Marin, a swimmer from the Italian men's team, led to what's been called a watery fall from grace: first, there was French backlash when she relocated to Italy to train with Marin; next, Italian backlash when her new coach questioned her commitment to swimming. After a messy and highly-publicized fallout with Marin, nude photos of Manaudou mysteriously surfaced on the Internet. Less than a year later, here's the icing on the cake: Manaudou finished eighth in the 400m freestyle final - the event in which she won her lone gold medal - and was beaten by Luca Marin's current girlfriend, Italy's Federica Pellegrini.

The Top Ten Reasons Rafael Nadal No Longer Needs The Wimbledon Of My Heart

• 10. - 1.  
  

*See also: The Top Ten Reasons Rafael Nadal Wins The Wimbledon Of My Heart (July 2007)

Seniors + fourth hour + second semester + interdepartmental philosophy credit - 90% of scholarly motivation =


The Very, Very Best of Will Fish's 2008 Socratic Theory Of Knowledge

Fish: "This video series is kind of like a late-night conversation, where one thing - "
Casey: "Where one thing leads to another and then you wake up in the morning with your pants on backwards?"

"It's like Hangman, except with a .9 mm." Fish

"In the beginning, there was nothing. Which exploded, and then there was everything." Sean van Osdale, sizing up the Big Bang theory

"Pangaea? I thought that was the guy from American Idol." Emily Schumacher

Cody: "I just lost so much respect for you."
Lindsay: "When did you respect James?"

Emilie: "I know we've already used convert, but can I say converter?"
Fish: "No. Form of the word."
Emilie: "OK. Pervert."
Fish: "All I said was no! You don't have to get personal."

Nick: "I need pliers. Fish, you wouldn't happen to have a pair of pliers in your pocket?"
Fish: "Nope. I'm just happy to see you."

Chris: "Microdermabrasion. Small skin abrasions."
Fish: "Kind of. Microdermabrasion uses tiny little skin rubbers to exfoliate the skin."
Mark: "Tiny little rubbers. Heh, heh."
Fish: "Perfect for someone I know. Who shall remain nameless."

"And then two minutes later we'd all be like, 'Lleyva, that's still my d---.' "

Ashley: "That'd be so sad if you took an aptitude test that said you should be a hooker."
Sean: "It wouldn't be half as bad if it came back saying pimp. It'd be like, Job Qualifications: hoes, strong hand."

Gina: "Fish, would you rather be a muffin or a snail?"
Fish: "No."

Mike: "You can ask me whatever you want. It's my hot seat. My favorite color, what kind of underwear my mom wears - "
Buretta: "Or you could ask me that."

Nick: "Bucher uses it all the time. We'd be at float-building and say, Jon, can you give me a square of carpet to staple on the side? And he'd be like, that's what she said."
Emilie: "God! Bucher does it ALL the time."
Fish: "That's what she said."

Ashley: "Wait, BOY with no senses? How do we know it couldn't be a girl?"
Fish: "Because she would still have intuition."

Fish: "Mark, your root is 'gen,' meaning origin."
Buretta: "Genitals. It's where you come from."

Ashley: "I'm Ashley Fetters! I'm pissed!"
Gina: "Can this count as a journal entry?"
Fish: "YES."
Ashley: "My, that was a pretty exasperated yes. Are you exasperated?"
Fish: "I'm Will Fish! I'm exasperated!"

Fish: "Oopie."

"I can't believe it's not buttock."

"Everybody talks about extinction like it's a bad thing. But would we really want velocihawks flying around?" Nick

"Or, by a slight stretch of fancy... mammogram." Sean van Osdale (performing an excerpt from the breast-exam version of the Agatha Christie novel Ten Little Indians)

"If you ever see a double amputee getting lynched, you should start yelling out letters." 

"Yeah, well, you remind me of stupid people." Buretta and the worst comeback ever

Fish: "Vasectomy. A cutting of the vas deferens."
Casey: "I used that for a Hangman word once."
Fish: "Was he hung? I mean, er..."

Ashley: "Uh... thermophyte? Archephyte? ...Phylum?"
Sean: "Phyte club?"
Fish: "The first rule of phyte club is you never talk about anything but gardening."

Fish: "Isn't Lysistrata that Greek play where the women go on strike because there's a war?"
Sean: "No. They deprive their husbands of sex."
Fish: "Yeah. They go on strike."

Fish: "Here, Mark! Have a relatively unscathed Target bag. The cool thing about it is you can tie it around your head with a rubber band. Like a space man!"

Nick: "Johnson. Has anyone ever called you Chody?"

Some pretentious opinions of a fledgling music snob. Regard or disregard as you please.

The Top Ten Most Inventive Cover Performances

• 10. "Since U Been Gone," Ted Leo & the Pharmacists A frantic, acoustic take on Kelly Clarkson's hit, with a little of Ted Leo's own counterintuition fused into the interludes.
• 9. "Everybody Knows," Rufus Wainwright Though Rufus Wainwright is the king of covers (especially of Leonard Cohen staples), this is arguably his best - a swanky flamenco re-imagining of Cohen's creepily predatory original.
• 8. "You Give Love A Bad Name," Blake Lewis Even though last year's Bon Jovi night performance couldn't save Blake's American Idol career, this beat-boxing hip-hop transfusion is probably the best thing to ever happen to both the show and the song.
• 7. "Big Spender," Queen The transformation of the Broadway hit from Sweet Charity to an arena-rock anthem could only have been attempted by the craziest, and this live 1986 recording at Wembley Stadium proves they can pull it off gorgeously.
• 6. "Let's Get It On," Gavin DeGraw The sweet-faced piano-playing Berklee grad finally makes it okay for white people to say "get it on," and accomplishes it without sacrificing one ounce of Marvin Gaye's power of suggestion.
• 5. "Wonderwall," Ryan Adams The shallow angst of Oasis' warm-weather classic turns to somber depth at the hands of today's resident gloom-and-doom virtuoso.
• 4. "Holding Out For A Hero," Frou Frou Imogen Heap's revamp makes hip and funky out of what used to be "Footloose." Quite the accomplishment.
• 3. "Sweet Home Alabama," Counting Crows Live-audience rowdiness and some sloppy political ad-libbing by Adam Duritz finally lend a hand with the boozy Southern carelessness that Lynyrd Skynyrd has owed this song since the beginning.
• 2. "Hallelujah," Jeff Buckley I seriously don't care what anyone says. I know the popularity of Rufus Wainwright's sleepy piano version drowns out almost all recognition for this admittedly gloomier alternative. But Jeff Buckley's lovely, wistful rendition, accompanied by his guitar's gentle weeping, invents a depth of sorrow that Leonard Cohen himself probably never imagined.
• 1. "I Touch Myself," Scala & the Kolacny Brothers This screwball innovation takes the cake for originality (and impropriety): an internationally-acclaimed Belgian girls' choir takes on the Divinyls' provocative '80s chart-topper, with parental-guilt-inducing results.

Honorable mentions: "Satisfaction," Cat Power (Rolling Stones), "Oh My God," Lily Allen (Kaiser Chiefs), "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," Kate Havnevik (Roberta Flack), "Tide Is High," Atomic Kitten (Blondie)